Demon of False Escape by Hilary Selby

Intro by Rebekah Few;

If you have ever been on a personal transition its often hard to make sense of it all. Putting things in to the spoken word can be hard so getting it down on paper can make things easier. Below Hilary uses poetry to convey a surreal moment in her life, in next weeks blog we I'll be exploring how the written word can help you do you.

To sum this up- the spoken word.

Written in the night when I couldn’t sleep not just due to the claustrophobic mosquito net around my princess like bed, which a sweet young daughter of a family in the Cambodian countryside, had lent me. Another literal example of a travellers escape where there is still a restlessness in the heart.

This poem was inspired by someone who prayed over me and saw a ‘black gate' - I wanted to find out what that meant for me. The Black Gate is a perfect metaphor for the trapped feeling and need for escape we experience when dealing with reality.

I wrote my real fears and then ended in a psalm type way of hope - where I believed I would feel the freedom I am looking for. Wonder can feel like lust, initially striking and addictive, but fading to leave you with a lost feeling, desperate to find the high again.

However there is hope; I believe freedom comes when we find the truth to our fear and in turn we respond differently. Following on from my experience I want to starve my personal demon of false escape and then no longer will it have a place. Hopefully I will see that it’s not even there when I have focused on the truth of trust, even if I’ve never felt like I’ve seen it fully. 

Black gate: 

Trapped in black gate 

Trapped in this mind a space not so kind.

Full of wonder that doesn’t stop, feels like bondage

A heart so hopeful and dreaming 

Yet it’s got a blockage 

A black gate

Open but not promising as it’s like I’m queuing for the next escape wait wait wait !!!!

I can get through it myself but that doesn’t work anymore 

Every time I try and open that gate it starts to rust 

My mind gathers more pieces of dust,

It’s bolted up 

No longer does passing this gate fill my cup 

Feel trapped in this space It’s suffocating 

My once colour in life is tainting

Lord break this gate down or make it white at least. 

This land no longer expands my mind 

It restricts it, I don’t know how to think anymore.

One last time I try to open this black gate 

It’s too late, I no longer can 

My heart races I can no longer escape. I’m trapped in this mundane waiting game 

Having to deal with my pain 

In a land I no longer like 

Having to face reality 

Things ending 

Things repeating 

Others can go 

I have to stay 

Pay my way 

Stay stay stay 

This demon of false escape needs to go 

Giving me false hope of tomorrow 

Only disappointed by yesterday’s game 

what is this I don’t know. 

Soaring flying my wings are still there - but are they 

Finally, find what I feel is an answer

Long fulfilled dreams given to me in an instant 

Scared that nothing compares 

To this option of love and escape 

Oh The horizon 

It makes me feel free at last 

But it comes with a price 

Of trust 

My heart jumps of a hope that may be met 

But my black gate may still be there 

Waiting in the far distance 

Or will this  black gate break down 

Maybe it’s love 

Trapped in my own land 

Al I need is to know love to expand

To unbolt that black gate of my mind 

Telling me no longer am I unkind 

what you feel trapped by seemingly is fine. 

Where love doesn’t end 

Others go but I don’t even know. 

A repeating becomes my laughter 

Paying comes with my faith 

Love by my side showing me reality is a safe place. 

This demon no longer needs a place as I no longer escape. 

Contact Hilary at @hilselbs